


not to be happy

by sentimenttely



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Reflection, grammarly free is my beta, if my writing is actually effective, minho centric, minsung but like angst, stray kids ensemble but they are only mentioned, this is my first work so how does this work, will make you think about your life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 15:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19134970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimenttely/pseuds/sentimenttely
Summary: Or the series of events that lead Minho to feel purposeful with his life.





	not to be happy

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first work at ao3 and I tried my best owo, I actually got inspired when I saw a caption from a youtube video about the phrase and I also questioned myself about it,, then I ended up having a plot when I shortly took a shower so tenenen,, i wrote this last may 1 when my mother confiscated my phone so I have nothing else to do but to write on bond papers... Enjoy!!

At the age of six, little Minho was so sure that the person he values the most is his 'papa'.

Whenever his parents can't make time for him and pick him up after his kindergarten class, his grandfather will be the one waiting for him on the other side of the school gates. This occurrence, however, happens often and it doesn't make the young one feel any sadder. Actually, seeing the familiar silhouette waiting for him excites Minho. His grandfather taking him home means that he's free from any cold shoulders and pressure.

Unlike his parents who always bring their luxurious cars, going home with his _'papa'_ means walking while devouring his favorite popsicle and listening to all his grandfather's amazing and funny stories. His parents never minded to buy him the sweet dairy, both keen to go home and start their works quickly. Other than that, the ice cream is some sort of a congratulatory gift. He will have the freedom to choose his favorite flavor, with or without the stamped stars on his hands. Young Minho cherishes every moment spent with him because only during those times is his chest light, free from any pressure and tearful shouts that his young mind can't still fully understand.

More often than not, Minho also spends his weekends in his grandfather's house. The bungalow is nothing compared to the mansion-like house he's used to. As a child, of course, he'd prefer the nicest and biggest things. However, this case is an exception, and he will always choose to be with his 'papa' over and over again. Also, each corner of the house stores wonderful memories of him and his grandfather-- from when they cook together; his papa asking him to assist and do some work and they both imagine they’re in some reality cooking show, when they play hide and seek with the both of them the only players; and that one time Minho successfully hid inside a washing machine and worried his grandfather to death, when they watch _power rangers_ every evening; and they both impersonate their favorites, his papa always rooting for blue while Minho always falls in love with the red, up to when he accidentally scraped his knees and because of the pain, he wasn't able to stop himself from crying but his papa was quickly there holding a kit with one of his hands while bearing a smile that easily comforted the child.

It was one of those days, and they were busy eating sliced apples and mangoes when a car honked directly in front of the house. Knowing that it’s his father picking him up, the kid sighed.

“It seems that your father came to pick you earlier than usual, maybe you have plans later”, his grandfather said, trying to lighten his grandson’s mood that immediately dropped.

“I don’t wanna leave yet”, young Minho whined, and tears are starting to flood his eyes. No matter how much his grandfather wants him to stay longer, he knows he cannot do anything about it. When his papa guided him to stand already, the child continued to whine, “I’m not happy there. I wanna live here, I just want to live with you”.

His grandfather stopped walking him towards the door and looked at him lovingly after his second outburst. Putting his hand to his head, he said, “Even though your parents always fight, and you think they barely give you any attention, just think that they’re still together for you and they work hard for your own good. Think positively. Happiness is a choice, Minho. Always remember that, okay?”

And so, young Minho believed and held unto that.

As he grew older, he chose to do things that can make him think positively. He’s always seen wearing headphones inside his own home so that he can tune out the fights his parents have. He studies very well, not because his mother pressures him, but because he felt happy when his father offered him the tiniest smile when his school called him to announce that his son is superior in all his classes. The best thing is that he still spends some days with his favorite person, and they continued having their loud and chaotic tickle wars. Time continuously passed by, however, and his papa can no longer move as freely and as carelessly as before. Surprisingly, he invited other kids to stay so Minho found playmates and friends. Another great thing is that they all decided to attend the same middle school, and Minho never expected them to stick around for so long, but the eight of them did. 

 

* * *

 

 

At the age of 14, people around Minho always thinks he is happy and winning in life. Being the star student at his school; his teachers commend him for his intellect and perseverance while his schoolmates either fawn over him or idolize his existence. He got his best friends around him as always, and they are always the loudest, but people also think highly of their bond. He’s part of the student council and became the youngest president of the dance club. He also participates in athletic events and quiz bees. He got himself his own fan club at such a young age.

They say he’s almost perfect, but, not really.

“Minho are you sure you won’t join us in our group study?”, Woojin asked him when they crossed each other’s path one Wednesday afternoon. Minho was on his way towards the parking lot and his friend is most probably on his way to the school library where the rest of their friends are.

Minho nodded his head. “You already know where I’ll be.” The rest of the squad knows the situation. Woojin sent him a sympathetic smile and they both proceeded on their paths. His driver is already waiting for him at the parking lot, and when they saw each other they sent their own smiles as a greeting. This driver works for his mother, and thankfully, he is one of the nicest people Minho met in his fourteen years of living. He understands Minho’s feelings and always drives him towards the hospital even though the teen’s mother didn’t allow her son.

Still wearing his uniform, he easily navigated inside the hospital, already too familiar with the interior. The staffs already saw him far too many times that’s why he can easily enter even without a guardian. He also receives greetings from staffs and patients alike.

He's there for only a single reason, to see his grandfather. As he entered the same room where he's been two days ago, he can still say the same thing. The room is too cold, too much contrast to the warmest person who's sitting on his plain bed. The room is so bare, so plain and white that it's scary. He hates seeing his papa on such state, in a room that feels so empty...

"How was your day?"

Minho entered the room and greeted his grandfather. Before answering the question in a detailed manner, he first took a sit on one of the chairs beside the bed. He has already done this a lot of times, so as usual, he told his school adventures, the girls and boys who sent him love letters, the teachers praising him, and the scores he got that he continuously brag since it brings proudness to his papa, with a smile being evident on his face. In return, his grandfather will also tell his own personal stories way back in time. Later on, it has become some sort of competition to see who got the most awards at their young age.

Once again, being with his grandfather made Minho's chest lighten. He's already burdened with his responsibilities inside and outside class. His grandfather is his hiding place, his safe zone, his _home_.

When his grandfather finally slept, that is when Minho finally went out of the room after giving his grandfather's hand a little squeeze. He checked his phone, seeing many missed calls from his driver. He immediately knew that he will be on the receiving end of his mother's frustrations once again, but he didn't care. He would gladly trade everything he has just to spend more time with his papa. He knows. He knows that his grandfather is already slipping away, and he can't do anything about it. He knows that the man already experienced so much, and was able to live life to the fullest. He was happy. And no matter how much Minho wants him to stay with him, he has to let go.

At the age of 14, Minho came to realize that sometimes, happiness can be a choice. But there's always an exception. On some occasions, all he can afford to do is just to plainly accept with a heavy heart.

He _accepts_ that his parents got divorced and his father already has a second family. He _accepts_ that Hyunjin, one of his closest friend, migrated with his family in America and after a few months, they lost contact. Now, he's forced to accept that sooner or later, his papa will leave him soon.

 

* * *

 

 

At the age of 16, Minho fell in love for the first time. Among his seven remaining friends, he's the closest with Jisung. The younger just complemented with his character so well. They both know each other the best, and everyone on their surrounding is also well aware. If someone's looking for Jisung, they go to Minho to ask, and vice versa. Their level of closeness reached a certain point until Chan even pointed out that they already act like those married couples. Both of them immediately denied, and that moment ended up with the both of them teaming up to clown Chan instead. However, Minho began being conscious with himself, as he started considering the thought of him actually being in love with his best friend unconsciously.

One night, when Minho was busy finishing his homework, his phone rang. He is feeling a lot more hot-headed since the stress is already being too much, so he decided to not answer the phone. It might be his mother asking for his grades, or his father just genuinely curious with how life's treating his first son so far, but he just can't be bothered. However, when the phone rang once again, he angrily marched towards the bedside table where the phone is.

"What?!", he answered the call, not even bothering to look for the name of the caller. He quickly regretted his ignorance and anger when he heard sobs from the other line. A familiar voice started to speak, and Minho was quickly overcome by guilt.

"O-oh, I'm sorry for d-disturbing you". Before Minho can utter his apology, Jisung already hangs up. The pile of works spread on his desk was quickly forgotten and he quickly grabbed his coat and rushed to his friend's dorm room.

He spent the rest of the night comforting and cuddling the younger. Jisung had a breakdown because of being unsure about his future. He was so scared and the rest of his troubling thoughts easily came back to surface.

"I just- don't know. What if something happens? I can't really envision my future, w- what if-" Minho remembered the exact moment when Jisung continuously cried on his chest. The sight of it also hurt Minho to some extent.

"You'll do great, I'm sure of it. You already got your future planned. Well, not everything about it will exactly happen, but I'm sure you'll work hard and achieve your dreams. You're Han Jisung after all." Minho genuinely comforted the other, since to him, Jisung can achieve everything since he deserves the world.

"To be honest, I feel like I should be the one crying with the thought of my future and career". Minho continued comforting his friend, and at the same time, he felt like opening up. Hearing his words, Jisung looked at him with tear- stained cheeks and asked him with a small voice, "You still don't know what you want?".

The older just chuckled in response. After a while, his friend finally calmed down. But when Minho asked permission to leave, the younger asked him to 'please, stay'. And when did Minho actually said no to Jisung?

The next morning, the older spent some minutes just fawning over his sleeping friend still inside his arms. He noticed how the younger perfectly fit inside his arms, and all in all, how Jisung perfectly fits inside his life, making him feel complete and satisfied.

So when Chan asked him regarding his feelings for Jisung, Minho didn't deny it, and simply answered a _maybe_ with a small smile on his face.

 

After a few months since Minho realized that he's falling hard for his friend, Career Day was celebrated in their school.

"I don't know what I really want to do," Minho said for the ninth time ever since the consultation started. Don't get him wrong, he badly wanted to be polite. However, the questions just always catch him off- guard and he doesn't even want to lie.

"I really don't know, I'm sorry." And just like that, his consultation ended with the interviewee reminding him to think deeply and have some more self- reflection in order to properly decide. Minho exited the office feeling so terrible. But as soon as he saw Jisung waiting for him, he managed to give a small yet genuine smile. The other showed him a terrible wacky face in return and the older just gave an eye roll in response.

"Come on, let's get this poor baby some ice cream." Jisung mocked him but Minho didn't actually mind. He was used to their occasional banters. To be honest, though, he's not used with the endearment his friend suddenly used, and the overwhelming flutters he felt in his stomach when they held hands.

While in the parlor, Jisung asked him, "If you don't know what career you exactly want to take, I'm sure you still have something you want to do or experience. Come on, tell me."

Minho who was about to swallow a scoop stopped midway, and he dumbly looked at his friend. "I just want to be happy. Like, completely, entirely, happy." Came Minho's reply and then he proceeded to devour the scoop stranded in the air for a few seconds. Jisung looked at him for a while, and then after a while, he laughed so loud that he almost fell off his chair. Jisung quickly calmed down but a smile remained on his face. Meanwhile, Minho was already shooting daggers at his friend, too embarrassed with the current situation.

Jisung finishes his own cup, and with a mouth still full of the last scoop, he said, "You do know that the purpose of life is not to be happy, right?"

"Don't speak when your mouth is still full," Minho said and threw a handful of tissue towards the younger.

"But, come again?" The older is confused, mouth parting slightly and brows furrowed. Jisung doesn't seem to be joking with him right now.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy," Jisung repeated, this time much more clearly. "Then... what's our purpose?" Minho thinks that the younger will just randomly burst a joke, yet the other really seems to be serious and confident.

"You will know it yourself."

"Honestly, Ji if you're joking right now-"

"I'm not joking. Honestly. For me, I think that my purpose is to compose music that can lighten other people's hearts. Create sounds that can bring people together. You think of yours." Jisung looked so serious and passionate, and Minho can't help but feel jealous since he can't find a field to be passionate with. He got the grasp of what his friend wanted to convey, however, he's still confused. Jisung already knows he wants to be a producer, and he's great at it. Minho, on the other hand, have no idea about where he excels at.

What Minho meant with his statement about happiness was that he just wants a simple future where he's genuinely and always happy. Where he wouldn't be forced to swallow any harsh realities. A future where he doesn't even need to come up with any major decisions and be scared of the outcomes since the only option that he can pick is happiness. When he shared this to Jisung, the other just laughed at him once again.

"Then die early." Was what came to be his friend's reply.

"Excuse me, what?"

"That's heaven you're describing. Life here on Earth will never allow you that kind of life. We need some sad days too, you know?" Jisung said, with exaggerating movements to emphasize his point.

"I'm tired of being sad." The older is already near the point of whining since he's so lost. Uncharacteristically, the younger was the one who rose up from his seat and patted his hyung's head. "If you want to be always happy, then sooner or later you'll forget the meaning of the word itself. Because it already became your normal, it won't hold a special meaning anymore."

"Sadness is there to keep our feet on the ground, give us some lessons, and is the reason why happy days are special days since we can have some comparison with our feelings and emotions. So don't be tired of feeling sad. If you're sad, then be sad. Cry it out, rant to someone, whine about everything. But after that, make sure that you can bring yourself back up so you can experience happiness next."

And Minho believed him too.

 

* * *

 

 

At the age of 25, Minho learned that the purpose of life is not to be happy but to _serve_.

He decided one day that he wants to be a doctor. Like before, he continuously gave incomparable efforts for his study. He continuously got recognized and so he was able to graduate earlier than other aspiring medical students. Now, he's currently busy finishing his residency at a top, private hospital.

"Good morning, doc." A nurse greeted him, and he gave a greeting in return. Just like in high school and university, he still remains to be quiet popular. He's currently on his way towards the room of his favorite patient.

"Hey _Soonyoung_!" He greeted the child inside the room enthusiastically. The said kid was busy watching his favorite cartoons on the television but when he heard the familiar greeting, he whipped his head immediately towards his doctor.

"Minho!" Minho smiled brightly and went near the child to start his daily examination.

"Does your chest still hurt when you cough?"

"Not _anymowr_ ". Soonyoung reassures as he even shook his head to express what he wants to say. In response, Minho chuckled and patted the child's head.

Soonyoung has been on the hospital for two months already, brought by his worrying parents because of his heavy coughing. Turned out that the child has pneumonia, and thankfully they brought him at the hospital before the inflammation can get worse. And _speaking of his parents-_

The door opened, revealing his childhood friend Hyunjin carrying some plastic bags with his hand. He seemed shocked to see his child's doctor in the same room.

"Minho"

"Hyunjin"

"Papa!" Squealed Soonyoung, completely oblivious to the tension and awkwardness inside the room.

"I've got good news for you. Soonyoung here can be discharged by next week." The doctor said, showing a small smile, even though Hyunjin can't even look at him in the eye.

"We'll try to repay you as soon as we find some money. We just didn't expect that this hospital cost too much since we were both panicking-"

"Come on Jinnie. Just let me do my job as Soonyoung's godfather. Where's Ji?"

"He was called by a music company. Today is his interview."

Minho smiled warmly at the news. He's happy for his friend.

"See. I'm sure you'll be able to bounce back. I'm sure Jisung knows what he's doing as a producer. And I know you're only waiting for the papers to be finished so you can start your own dancing studio. I'm so happy for the both of you."

"Thank you, Minho hyung." Hyunjin hugged him, Minho was startled with the sudden affection, but he quickly returned the gesture.

"Let's have some drink some time, eh? Just the nine of us?" The older proposed after the hug. The younger just shook his head and laughed whole-heartedly.

"Sure hyung."

Minho patted his friend's shoulder before bidding his goodbye to Soonyoung. He exited the room with a ghost of a smile on his face.

 

Minho decided to be a doctor when he woke up and realized how much he wants to do something in the medical field. He already has a sense of familiarity with the hospitals. He's used to how empty the halls and rooms feel, and how sad and heartbreaking each day can bring. He wanted to do it in remembrance of his grandfather, and Jisung too. His two most special people never deserved to suffer inside the plain, white walls. And he thinks no other people do, so he'll do his part as a healer.

Before they can even find a university to go into, Jisung was suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness. The worst part is that his family quickly moved Jisung to a hospital in America in hope of finding a cure.

_It is one of Minho's regrets that he wasn't able to bid goodbye._

Thankfully, Jisung was able to recover and live. Minho cried because of happiness with the news, too relieved that he will see his love once again. Only for this hope to be crushed again, when he received the invitation for Jisung and Hyunjin's wedding.

Another regret is that, he wasn't able to confess.

He excused himself from the most important day for his friend, saying that his major examinations will happen during their chosen date. He just can't bring himself to attend, to see the love of his life sharing vows of eternity with another person. Minho waited. He shouldn't have. Maybe Minho was the only one who felt something, who thought that maybe their relationship can be something much more, and Jisung only saw him as his best friend.

He's sure that he'll breakdown during the wedding. It will be the first time he'll see Jisung once again after how many years, and maybe he'll end up dragging his best friend away from the venue itself. He's not ready to face his former best friend, his first love, and the reality that Jisung will spend the rest of his life together with someone who's not him.

He finally got the courage to meet them after a year, when he has finally accepted everything. Chan and Felix helped him a lot. And once again, Minho was forced to swallow another sad event that came into his life. He was invited, as well as the rest of his childhood friends, to Soonyoung's Welcoming Party.

"I'm so glad you finally made it!". Jisung squealed when he saw Minho. He ran towards his best friend and quickly enveloped him in a bone- crushing hug. The older just chuckled, even though his throat feels like burning, and said, "I missed you too." Soon, Jisung was already crying on his chest, and no matter how much he tried to comfort him, he still wouldn't calm down.

"Come here, baby", a voice said and sooner or later, Jisung was taken away from his arms. There, he saw Hyunjin comforting his husband in the most loving manner. It worked.

"Minho hyung". Hyunjin acknowledged his former best friend too, and then Minho found himself once again enveloped in a tight hug. He returned the hug, trying to match with the same intensity, and for the second time he said, "I missed you too".

That day went well, with them easily catching up with each other's lives. They just continuously shared the highlights of their lives, the happiest and saddest.

The couple shared that Hyunjin's parents are against the marriage, but they fought for their love. That's why at the current moment, they are somehow financially challenged but the arrival of Soonyoung gives them hope that they can overcome every other challenge that will come in their way.

"I want you to be his godfather," Jisung said later on while cradling the adopted baby in his arms.

At first, Minho thought his friend was pertaining to another man, but when he realized that his friends are smiling at him and are clapping at his direction, he pointed at himself and mouthed ' _me_?' Jisung jokingly rolled his eyes and said, "Of course, duh", that caused another round of laughter from his friends.

He was given the chance to carry the sleeping form of Soonyoung and he held him with such carefulness that Seungmin and Jeongin mocked him. Holding the bundle of warmth, Minho only thought about how much Jisung loves Hyunjin.

He's glad Jisung met Hyunjin in America, and that Hyunjin was there for Jisung when things got rough.

He's glad. Whatever dreams he once had of him and Jisung fulfilling their purposes together should now remain as what they are- dreams. He's happy for Jisung. And for once, he finally accepts whole-heartedly.

 

At the age of 25, Minho can proudly say that he finally moved on from his first love, and is currently living a successful life. He was able to purchase a room in a high-rise condominium, good for him and for his three cats. He's a successful soon-to-be doctor, and every day he's able to fulfill his purpose to serve.

After his visit with Soonyoung, he went straightly to the registrar, only to find Felix waiting for him. He shook his head knowing that the guy went directly to the hospital after a court hearing since he's still wearing a formal suit and he still carries a case with him.

"Felix, what are you doing here?" He said after traveling the short distance left.

The guy, Felix, looked at him when he heard his voice. He was wearing his famous 'a lost puppy' look.

"What do you mean by what are you doing here?" The younger asked in a small voice. Minho, still pretending to be clueless just sent him an asking look.

"Minho hyung, I said we'll have dinner together."

Finally, the older took pity on the disappointed look on Felix's face. Minho laughed and ruffled the other guy's hair.

"I know. I'm just kidding." After hearing that, the younger pushed his hand away from his hair and rolled his eyes.

"It's just been two months and you're already so annoying."

"Well, at least you know what you're getting yourself into."

The nine of them had a drink together two months prior and Felix got really drunk. Minho brought the younger friend to his home since he didn't drink that much. However, he didn't expect Felix to confess to him and kiss him at his drunk state. Minho was ready to brush it all off the next day, but Felix confronted him and gave him a proper confession. Both of them, now somehow mature, talked thing through, and they decided to give it a try. Minho didn't see a reason on why should he reject his friend who's so genuine. They shared the news with their friends, and everyone was so supportive of it.

If asked, Minho and Felix will have the same answer on what their main purposes are. It only varies a little since their jobs require different ways of serving. Both of them also thinks that they can also serve each other. Even with their busy schedules, they still find ways in order to spend time with each other, strengthening their bond. Finally, Minho fell in love for the second time around. This time, it is reciprocated.

 

> At the age of 25, Minho lives through the saying that the purpose of life is not to be happy, but to serve. However, while serving, he can achieve happiness that's incomparable.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! I tried writing by using so much of narratives and description and i hope it worked. Please keep in mind that English is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes, i'm sorry and i'm working on it. Check me on twitter @sungminknows and i also write socmed aus. Thank you !!


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